Help me someone! Where’s the guilt gone?

I am currently preparing for conservatoire auditions, applying to Royal Northern, Royal Scottish, Royal Academy, Royal College and Guildhall. For this I need to play Haydn C major (no surprises there) and Prokofiev sonata 1st mvt. At the moment my life consists of a lot of sleep, procrastination and cookery and very little meticulous Haydn work. 

I suppose this blog is an attempt for me to express my ‘lack’ of motivation guilt but I can’t find any guilt to express. For some reason I want to hate myself, criticise and push harder but at last my body is resisting and knows better. If I practice 4 hours a day in my holiday, who knows what fatigue I’ll encounter when auditions come.

I thoroughly learnt both pieces in the summer. The next few weeks are for me to let them shine. How do the composers want these pieces to sound? Am i stylish, fluent and composed? This work is fun, simple and just requires some planning, then a lot of imagination and fun. I’m going to prepare for these auditions by playing a game of ‘how much better can I possibly make it’ as well as sleeping lots, eating lots and catching up on Downton. If I practice and do other fun stuff along side, surely the practice will come easier, go quicker and create a fresher sound. 

We can all get through the ‘hell’ by doing everything we love. You have always got enough time and you are always well prepared. These final weeks are for fun emotions only!

If I fail miserably, I apologise, but at least I’ll be happy and I’d give anything to stay in a happy place forever.


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